you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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