some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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