Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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