just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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