I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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