At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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