I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
