I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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