Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
