I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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