I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
