There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
