3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just had sex on a roof
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
