nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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