Yo dont text me then not text me
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
