what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
