I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
