Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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