Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
