At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
