Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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