He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
