I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Boobs speak an international language.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
