well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
