how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
