I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
