Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
