Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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