someone get that fucking seahorse.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
