this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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