I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize