I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
