Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
