I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
