No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
