I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
