i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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