On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
