i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You're breaking my sexual little heart
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
