Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
