Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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