I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
