I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
