You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just gift wrapped bread.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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