My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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