his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
This is classic penis vs brain.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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