I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
