Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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