Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
