Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
