to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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