I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
