The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's never too late to be topless.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I think my moral compass just broke
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
