I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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