I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She even gives head with a lisp.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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