What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
