My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Pooping to opera.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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