If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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