my mouth tastes like poor choices
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
