Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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