I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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