If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
