R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
