we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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